Think back eight months ago, were you single?
no.
How are you feeling?
tired. confused. mooshy. uncertain.
Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
would love to but no. maybe press snooze once.
What’s on your mind?
him. other one. home. family. travels. my future.
Are you jealous of someone right now?
yes and no. jealousy is not really in my nature.
Do you want to start over with anyone?
so much. it could have been love.
What does your last sent text say?
‘january my love. i miss you too x.’ bff.
Do you know if anyone likes you?
doubtful.
What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
coffee.
Do you like the night time?
yeah.
Anything you would change about your life right now?
perhaps but nothing drastic.
Do you miss the way things used to be?
no.
Could you cry right now?
if i tried. but i don’t want to.
How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
rarely. this is not always a good thing.
Are you okay with the life you live?
yes. if i wasn’t, i’d change it.
Last person you told a secret to?
tanya.
Are you interested in anyone right now?
yes.
Can you recall the last person you liked a lot?
yes.
Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or just put your hood up?
i wish my umbrella worked well.
How much money did you spend today?
£2.67.
What are you sitting on right now?
bed.
What’s something you really want right now, be honest?
berlin with the other one. texts from him. to be cuddled up forever with him.
How do you feel about your hair right now?
needs a wash. needs dye.
Do you talk a lot?
not so much these days.
Who was the last person you shared a blanket with?
i do not know.
Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
lots of people. they are grey, not pretty.
Name something great that happened today?
the clock said 5.30pm and i left work.
What color is your hair?
ginger brown. unnaturally.
When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
one posted on my wall this morning.
Are you happy?
relatively. although emotions are slightly dulled for me right now.
Where do you hide your money?
bank.
Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
female.
What’s a happy time you’ve had in the past week?
his texts when i discovered he isn’t insulting this time.
What are you not looking forward to?
another day of work before weekend.
Are you a jealous person?
not by nature.
Who was the last person you hugged?
i rarely hug.
Anyone you’re looking forward to seeing soon?
lee in july. tanya in october. matty in winter. my family in january. him in feb.
Has anything happened to you in the past month that made you really mad?
more sad than mad. i cried and the cab driver gave me a tissue.
Do you ever hang out with people you don’t like just because you are bored?
i prefer my own company.
Do you have siblings over the age of 21?
one. one will forever remain at 20. the other is still young.
What is your favorite kind of weather?
sunny and warm but not too hot.
Are you a loud person?
not typically.
Are you a fast typer?
yeh.
What side of the bed do you sleep on?
the middle. unless i am sharing with a boy and then i sleep wherever they are not.
What do you hear?
la roux.
Say something to someone?
i miss you. so many people.
Last video game played?
pac man?
***
thursday evening boredom. i have not heard from him today. but lee emailed me this morning. his couch is mine in berlin. how lovely 
he misses the old times too. i wonder if he remembers that one night where he held my hand when i was drunk and walked me around our city and he said to me ‘if it wasn’t me and her, it would be me and you’ and i knew what he meant because i felt the same. it was not our time because he had met her so long before and they were in love. and we would never betray anyone because we were not like that, we were close friends that would have been more had the time been right. but if you’re meant to be, you will be, regardless of time. i know this. i have such a crush.
i wand to hear from him. i fall for him again and again, but i’m ok this time, i tell myself again and again it won’t be like it was the last time (or the thousand times before) this time i will stay strong, and detached and he will never know the truth. he will never know that i love him more than i can say. i love him but i know we are not right for each other. not unless there were lots of changes made on both sides. maybe when i return. or maybe it will be my right time with someone else. this is the second time he’s torn me in two. i was so happy with the ex future husband (long story) and then HE came back into my life, and i doubted my love and i doubted my plans and considered leaving it all, for the idea of him. of course ex future husband bruised my heart eventually, and i suppose he (the other ex who i will always love) saved me from the possibility of a failed marriage and a broken family for the child we had planned. and now he does it again. i was happy in my crushed out world and then he came back and haunted.
i’m torn between wanting him to contact me and for us to be close, and wanting to get over him (but my shameful secret is the want for him is far greater than the desire not to care). too much going on in this head of mine but thinking keeps me preoccupied and stops me eating which is a good thing.
xx
