ending the hold of consumerism.

yes me, fashion worshipping, shoe addicted, slightly too commercial for mum’s liking… me. ending the tight grasp that consumerism has over my life. this is my new journey (that started a few months back but must now kick into gear full time).

the aim

-spend max £15 on food per week

the amount of effort going into the plan for my grocery shop on sunday is incredible. i budget during the down time at work, i budget in my head on the tube, i budget in my sleep.

how can i, the girl who needs new clothes to survive, save money to do all the travelling i need to do? argh. stress. this months pay was gone before i even received it; after rent, bills, travel pass.. how m i meant to live?!?!?

 

argh anyhow. planning my trip to germany. need to purchase flights. heard from cute boy. talked to mother. so much happening.

xxx

 

**all tips of shopping extremely frugally in london, on a vegetarian diet, highly appreciated.

not keen on being keen on you.

heard from tom. he’s just like ben. his life sucks so the best way to cheer him up was to ignore me. well that’s what i can gather. apparently he wants to call and explain as soon as the job he’s on is over. i live in hope- i know, i’m a moron really. i hate that i can’t make myself like the people i wished i liked (the ones who treat me like a princess), but i fall head over heels for the ones i shouldn’t like. grr.

other news- ordered extremely cute sale boots from asos. £11! yeay.

am currently holed up in bedroom, burning incense in an attempt to hide smells coming from housemate’s dinner cooking. had ‘euro meal’- coffee and a fag. all class. surely the diet of the european/ model will help?

 

sigh. sooo tired. this week has been hectic without stace. my heart isn’t in fashion these days. i just get so p.o’d with how superficial and exploitive the whole industry is.

 

/end whinge. xx

you won’t know.

so anyone could see i had a crush on tom. he ws in london, he wanted to meet up. and then he started to ignore me. what?? haha, i can really pick them! i’m not really bothered because i just keep reminding myself i was crushing against my better judgement but still, it’s just plain rude to tell someone you really want to see them again, only to never hear back from them. and there lies my problem with australian males!! ah well!

ben (the jerk from previous ramblings) commented on a friends fb so unfortunately his name popped up in my life (of course, he isn’t on my fb) but still, i hate seeing his name. i hate finding out accidentally what he is up to. i hate that we have ‘our friends’.

 

off to wash hair.

x

ps- people actually read my rubbish? that’s kinda cool.

the next big thing.

so i got back from glastonbury festival. best five days of my life. well, up there anyhow. note to self; do not go away with a ‘friend’ (i use the term loosely these days) who you find irritating at the best of times. she drove me insane to the point where i wanted to just yell at her and be done with it. too bad we’re also housemates. 

i saw amazing bands. i trudged around in knee deep mud. i didn’t shower or wash my hair for five days. i drank cider for breakfast. i ate too many carbs. i saw tom. i did things in tents that one really shouldn’t do (tents don’t muffle sound at all). i had fun with tom. i like tom. and i’m torn.

this is so shallow i know. he is a nice guy (a bit unreliable and very australian which is a bit of a downer…being australian myself, i was hoping for a change) but he’s short. not just a little short, very short. and i’m tall. this has caused a few issues for me. sure tom cruise (euch) and katie holmes have the same problems. and pete wentz and ashlee simpson (although sometimes i think pics are edited to change this) but is it something i can do? and apart from that he doesn’t live in london and i don;t want to take someone serious if i can’t see them as often as i would like (had this issue with the swiss). blah. will see how it rolls i suppose.

 

back to work tomorrow (meh). they made my friend redundant. i hate the company i work for at the best of times, i despise them even more now.

in other news- back to the diet. i splurged at glasto and will have to suffer for the next few weeks. until lovebox anyhow hehe. can’t wait for that.

so many plans going on in my head. so much to do and say and think and feel.

 

sleep.

xo

and if i last through the winter, i swear to you now, i won’t call.

he did it again. for good i hope. i really just wish when he said i wasn’t good enough to waste his time on he could say it with conviction. not hurt my feelings, only to come back in a few months and hurt them again.

but i realised something this time. i’m not sad. i thought it was because all my feelings are dulled anyhow (joys of depression..knowing how you should feel, but not actually feeling it completely). but no, i don’t actually care because i don’t care for him as the person he is. i care about who he was, when he was sweet and i loved that person (on the very few days he was that person) but the person he is now is not who he was then, and i don’t like the person now. i don’t like his lack of morality, and the way he uses me. i don’t like his pretentious look at the world.

 

he is not better than me just because he says he is. and i realised that. i can be happy without him. much happier than with him.

 

and that is my revelation. i feel like a thousand weights have lifted and i can enjoy life.

two sleeps till glastonbury. 

 

xx

truth.

and i wish that i could tell you right you now

(i love you)

but it looks like i won’t be around

so you won’t know.

 

 

i hope it’s different when i go back. i just want his trust.

xx

remember to feel real.

in a drunken d&m (shouted over loud music at a bar) my housemate asked me if i’m happy/ excited about eventually going home. i said yes and n, i will miss everyone but i miss my home too. but really i feel nothing. he asked me if i’m depressed. it took me a while to answer because i thought i was covering up really well this time (apparently not) ‘i am’ i said, ‘i’m sorry’ he said. he knows what it’s like because he’s been there. and he doesn’t pity me like other friends who don’t know. we compared old meds and the zombie feelings they give you for a few weeks. he asked me if i had thought about going back on them, because he thinks i probably should. he gets it and maybe that is why i feel so comfortable with him- my cynical friend in a house full of loved up crap.

i wonder if the other notice or if they’re too involved in said loved up crap. probably. that’s good.

i’m not sure what i should do. i hate that doctors don’t work weekends because i don’t have the time off to go to see one during the week. i should go back on meds though. mum would be relieved. and i would probably be relieved. i hate that my smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes. i hate that i always feel numb. hollow. or sad. and i can cry over anything. like i’m crying now.

and i really have no one to talk about it with because i feel uncomfortable with friends and i don’t want my mum to worry, not with me living across the other side of the world. so i write about it on a blog that people i know are not linked to, somewhere that only strangers are likely to see. but maybe strangers will understand it better than people who know me. 

i hate that i can’t keep a happy mood going for very long. it’s not fun. my happy point of the day- i went shopping and i saw beautiful clothes (i can’t presently afford because i want travel and tattoos… and to lose a few more kgs), i love the 80s metal look with faded denim and washed out prints. it’s fun and has restored my faith in fashion.

x

i’m doing it for the thrill

Think back eight months ago, were you single?
no.

How are you feeling?
tired. confused. mooshy. uncertain.
Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
would love to but no. maybe press snooze once.

What’s on your mind?
him. other one. home. family. travels. my future.

Are you jealous of someone right now?
yes and no. jealousy is not really in my nature.

Do you want to start over with anyone?
so much. it could have been love.

What does your last sent text say?
‘january my love. i miss you too x.’ bff.

Do you know if anyone likes you?
doubtful.

What’s the last thing you put in your mouth?
coffee.

Do you like the night time?
yeah. 

Anything you would change about your life right now?
perhaps but nothing drastic.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
no.

Could you cry right now?
if i tried. but i don’t want to.

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
rarely. this is not always a good thing.

Are you okay with the life you live?
yes. if i wasn’t, i’d change it.

Last person you told a secret to?
tanya.

Are you interested in anyone right now?
yes.

Can you recall the last person you liked a lot?
yes.

Do you carry an umbrella when it rains or just put your hood up?
i wish my umbrella worked well.

How much money did you spend today?
£2.67.

What are you sitting on right now?
bed.

What’s something you really want right now, be honest?
berlin with the other one. texts from him. to be cuddled up forever with him.
How do you feel about your hair right now?
needs a wash. needs dye.

Do you talk a lot?
not so much these days. 

Who was the last person you shared a blanket with?
i do not know.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
lots of people. they are grey, not pretty.

Name something great that happened today?
the clock said 5.30pm and i left work.

What color is your hair?
ginger brown. unnaturally.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
one posted on my wall this morning.

Are you happy?
relatively. although emotions are slightly dulled for me right now.

Where do you hide your money?
bank.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
female.

What’s a happy time you’ve had in the past week?
his texts when i discovered he isn’t insulting this time.

What are you not looking forward to?
another day of work before weekend. 
Are you a jealous person?
not by nature.

Who was the last person you hugged?
i rarely hug.

Anyone you’re looking forward to seeing soon?
lee in july. tanya in october. matty in winter. my family in january. him in feb.

Has anything happened to you in the past month that made you really mad?
more sad than mad. i cried and the cab driver gave me a tissue.

Do you ever hang out with people you don’t like just because you are bored?
i prefer my own company.

Do you have siblings over the age of 21?
one. one will forever remain at 20. the other is still young.

What is your favorite kind of weather?
sunny and warm but not too hot.

Are you a loud person?
not typically.

Are you a fast typer?
yeh.

What side of the bed do you sleep on?
the middle. unless i am sharing with a boy and then i sleep wherever they are not.

What do you hear?
la roux.

Say something to someone?
i miss you. so many people.

Last video game played?
pac man?

***

thursday evening boredom. i have not heard from him today. but lee emailed me this morning. his couch is mine in berlin. how lovely he misses the old times too. i wonder if he remembers that one night where he held my hand when i was drunk and walked me around our city and he said to me ‘if it wasn’t me and her, it would be me and you’ and i knew what he meant because i felt the same. it was not our time because he had met her so long before and they were in love. and we would never betray anyone because we were not like that, we were close friends that would have been more had the time been right. but if you’re meant to be, you will be, regardless of time. i know this. i have such a crush.

i wand to hear from him. i fall for him again and again, but i’m ok this time, i tell myself again and again it won’t be like it was the last time (or the thousand times before) this time i will stay strong, and detached and he will never know the truth. he will never know that i love him more than i can say. i love him but i know we are not right for each other. not unless there were lots of changes made on both sides. maybe when i return. or maybe it will be my right time with someone else. this is the second time he’s torn me in two. i was so happy with the ex future husband (long story) and then HE came back into my life, and i doubted my love and i doubted my plans and considered leaving it all, for the idea of him. of course ex future husband bruised my heart eventually, and i suppose he (the other ex who i will always love) saved me from the possibility of a failed marriage and a broken family for the child we had planned. and now he does it again. i was happy in my crushed out world and then he came back and haunted.

i’m torn between wanting him to contact me and for us to be close, and wanting to get over him (but my shameful secret is the want for him is far greater than the desire not to care). too much going on in this head of mine but thinking keeps me preoccupied and stops me eating which is a good thing. 

xx

three and a half hours.

and three buses later…finally made it to work. 

hate tube strikes. don’t like being packed in like a sardine with sweaty/ off smelling east londoners.

argh.

***

i miss him still. he’s sick and i’m a sucker and i miss him in person. i miss his laugh and his smile and just him (minus the not so nice parts of his personality)..argh, must concentrate on something else. must must.

xx

i have no sympathy

for RMT.

i do not want to catch three buses to work and three buses home from work.

i want to catch the tube.

 

euch.

x